Extra Marital!

So the other day I found myself engaged in a very interesting conversation with a mature, educated, reasonably successful man, who also happened to be married. I highlight this because this was the crux of our discussion and this background could be essential to understand his perspective...and maybe mine; And I happen to be this young, fairly mature, still eager for success, socially educated and soon to be degreed in that area and I also happen to be married. So I recently just completed a dissertation which highlighted how globalisation affects gender relations paying particular attention to a third world country like Zimbabwe. So for the record, this is how we ended up talking about extramarital affairs.
I quoted a Sociology lecturer of mine who confidently said that long distance relationships do not work because of the laws of nature, you fall in love with someone who is within your 10 km radius. To keep a relationship going, you need to expose yourself to each other as often as possible, and naturally the more you engage, the more you find out things you like about the other person. Ok ,that’s fair, but excessive exposure may also result in boredom, if what you keep finding out is uninteresting, but that’s just Tariro arguing for the sake of it. So this little statement led to about an hour or two…or three of conversation. This person I was in conversation with happens to work in Zambia, has worked in Tanzania and Kenya as well so I guess he had to justify himself as his marriage was definitely a long distance marriage. What interested me was his assertion that it was pretty normal for a man to have multiple relationships with other women, which he called side-kicks, and still maintain a good marriage. But is it still a good marriage if he is having multiple partners? He also cited that there are things that he could talk about with a female friend (like the conversation that we were having) but could not discuss with his wife because of the reactions of some of our reactions as women. He also highlighted how quiet diplomacy was an intrinsic part of a marriage i.e. some things are just better left unsaid. He then gave an example of how if a woman felt that her man is not delivering sexually, and only highlights it after 5 years into the marriage, then it’s much better if she didn’t highlight it at all, because it leaves the man to wonder how has she been coping for the last 5 years. Another form of quiet diplomacy: when a woman suspects that her husband is cheating but will simply not say so. So I cited a few reasons in defense of married women. Firstly, I think financial independence plays a major role in determining a woman’s reaction to a man cheating especially in third world countries like Zim where money is survival, although we are slowly being weaned off this disease through empowerment, whatever that really is. But we still have the “ndogarira vana vangu” syndrome, but to me that is just an indirect case of “I need the money”. Secondly, you don’t confront such issues until you have the correct evidence to make your statement. I think quiet diplomacy, especially in a marriage is a bit tricky because so much is at stake and the more the quiet diplomacy the more the problems that will surface in the future. But this is definitely subject to debate.
Then another issue arose; should a wife or a husband suspect the other of cheating, how easy is it to negotiate the use of a condom? YOH! To the Western community this may sound pretty normal, but from my research, it completely unheard of in our culture, and even among some of the so-called, educated, well-travelled locals. Yes they can preach about gender equality and how women can be empowered in issues regarding their sex lives, but let’s face the facts. Is it practical? Can a woman who knows how often her husband travels pack some condoms in his suitcase ‘just in case’? How do you married people feel about this? Is that not giving him a go-ahead to be sexually active with other women? And what if you find out about these affairs and after confronting him he says, “uhh, well you put the condoms there in the first place”. I was appalled about this idea at first, but in the end, who benefits? Is it better to be ignorant and then get infected by some STD, OR accept reality and pack those condoms whenever my spouse travels? Can the husband do the same for his wife? Mmmh I wonder.
So my fellow married friend has worked in East African countries and highlighted how aggressive women can be out there (even in here believe me, zvakapressa). He said in Kenya a woman knows what she wants and lays her cards straight on the table citing money as her need from a man and in some cases from the rich women its affection and sex. So we both concluded that relationships like that succeed because everyone lays their cards out on the table. HONESTY! So how come marriages do not revolve around that similar honesty, the same honesty that enables this man to have this discussion with me and not dare to mention a thing about it to his wife. The same honesty that makes your spouse see the way you think and acts upon it. Or am I being naïve? Which then led to another dimension; why do women cheat? We specifically talked about women cheating because it is assumed that women are not natural cheaters. There are push factors that lead them to do so. Please note, these are not justifications for cheating, but simply two people's perspectives.
Women can cheat because the man is failing to provide for the wife, be it sexually, financially or emotionally, which are normally the main reason. Others have cited boredom as their reason for cheating; they are simply bored and have nothing else to occupy their time with. But he highlighted a reason that I never thought of, but is occurring in many Zimbabwean homes. Because of the quick cash era in Zimbabwe that occurred over the past few years, some men and women have neglected developing themselves mentally through education and exposure, so much that a man and a woman in a relationship have no ground for conversation, which is a recipe for disaster. I am no relationship expert, but I know it will be hard to relate if you are not on some form of similar educational, maturity, or exposure level. This has been the cause of the collapse of many marriages. So I posed a question. What if you are involved in an extra marital affair and you become too attached to the married party, yet you know that there is absolutely nothing you can do about the situation. His response was simply…it can be managed by mature individuals. If you get into an affair of this kind, you are no longer just a side- kick but now more than that (he could not give me a term to define what that is). You understand the benefits and risks of such a relationship and even plan what course of action to take in the event that you get caught. And he said all this in such a calm and normal manner. He even added the success of many marriages nowadays are sheer luck! What scares me is that this is the mentality of many people I have come across and it is acceptable. Nothing is being done, or rather, what can be done? I would understand why extra marital affairs come about, especially from the perspective of the woman, but is it the right solution?
We ended the conversation without any real consensus, but it certainly is food for thought for me and a lot of other married and yet to be married people.