Extra Marital!

So the other day I found myself engaged in a very interesting conversation with a mature, educated, reasonably successful man, who also happened to be married. I highlight this because this was the crux of our discussion and this background could be essential to understand his perspective...and maybe mine; And I happen to be this young, fairly mature, still eager for success, socially educated and soon to be degreed in that area and I also happen to be married. So I recently just completed a dissertation which highlighted how globalisation affects gender relations paying particular attention to a third world country like Zimbabwe. So for the record, this is how we ended up talking about extramarital affairs.
I quoted a Sociology lecturer of mine who confidently said that long distance relationships do not work because of the laws of nature, you fall in love with someone who is within your 10 km radius. To keep a relationship going, you need to expose yourself to each other as often as possible, and naturally the more you engage, the more you find out things you like about the other person. Ok ,that’s fair, but excessive exposure may also result in boredom, if what you keep finding out is uninteresting, but that’s just Tariro arguing for the sake of it. So this little statement led to about an hour or two…or three of conversation. This person I was in conversation with happens to work in Zambia, has worked in Tanzania and Kenya as well so I guess he had to justify himself as his marriage was definitely a long distance marriage. What interested me was his assertion that it was pretty normal for a man to have multiple relationships with other women, which he called side-kicks, and still maintain a good marriage. But is it still a good marriage if he is having multiple partners? He also cited that there are things that he could talk about with a female friend (like the conversation that we were having) but could not discuss with his wife because of the reactions of some of our reactions as women. He also highlighted how quiet diplomacy was an intrinsic part of a marriage i.e. some things are just better left unsaid. He then gave an example of how if a woman felt that her man is not delivering sexually, and only highlights it after 5 years into the marriage, then it’s much better if she didn’t highlight it at all, because it leaves the man to wonder how has she been coping for the last 5 years. Another form of quiet diplomacy: when a woman suspects that her husband is cheating but will simply not say so. So I cited a few reasons in defense of married women. Firstly, I think financial independence plays a major role in determining a woman’s reaction to a man cheating especially in third world countries like Zim where money is survival, although we are slowly being weaned off this disease through empowerment, whatever that really is. But we still have the “ndogarira vana vangu” syndrome, but to me that is just an indirect case of “I need the money”. Secondly, you don’t confront such issues until you have the correct evidence to make your statement. I think quiet diplomacy, especially in a marriage is a bit tricky because so much is at stake and the more the quiet diplomacy the more the problems that will surface in the future. But this is definitely subject to debate.
Then another issue arose; should a wife or a husband suspect the other of cheating, how easy is it to negotiate the use of a condom? YOH! To the Western community this may sound pretty normal, but from my research, it completely unheard of in our culture, and even among some of the so-called, educated, well-travelled locals. Yes they can preach about gender equality and how women can be empowered in issues regarding their sex lives, but let’s face the facts. Is it practical? Can a woman who knows how often her husband travels pack some condoms in his suitcase ‘just in case’? How do you married people feel about this? Is that not giving him a go-ahead to be sexually active with other women? And what if you find out about these affairs and after confronting him he says, “uhh, well you put the condoms there in the first place”. I was appalled about this idea at first, but in the end, who benefits? Is it better to be ignorant and then get infected by some STD, OR accept reality and pack those condoms whenever my spouse travels? Can the husband do the same for his wife? Mmmh I wonder.
So my fellow married friend has worked in East African countries and highlighted how aggressive women can be out there (even in here believe me, zvakapressa). He said in Kenya a woman knows what she wants and lays her cards straight on the table citing money as her need from a man and in some cases from the rich women its affection and sex. So we both concluded that relationships like that succeed because everyone lays their cards out on the table. HONESTY! So how come marriages do not revolve around that similar honesty, the same honesty that enables this man to have this discussion with me and not dare to mention a thing about it to his wife. The same honesty that makes your spouse see the way you think and acts upon it. Or am I being naïve? Which then led to another dimension; why do women cheat? We specifically talked about women cheating because it is assumed that women are not natural cheaters. There are push factors that lead them to do so. Please note, these are not justifications for cheating, but simply two people's perspectives.
Women can cheat because the man is failing to provide for the wife, be it sexually, financially or emotionally, which are normally the main reason. Others have cited boredom as their reason for cheating; they are simply bored and have nothing else to occupy their time with. But he highlighted a reason that I never thought of, but is occurring in many Zimbabwean homes. Because of the quick cash era in Zimbabwe that occurred over the past few years, some men and women have neglected developing themselves mentally through education and exposure, so much that a man and a woman in a relationship have no ground for conversation, which is a recipe for disaster. I am no relationship expert, but I know it will be hard to relate if you are not on some form of similar educational, maturity, or exposure level. This has been the cause of the collapse of many marriages. So I posed a question. What if you are involved in an extra marital affair and you become too attached to the married party, yet you know that there is absolutely nothing you can do about the situation. His response was simply…it can be managed by mature individuals. If you get into an affair of this kind, you are no longer just a side- kick but now more than that (he could not give me a term to define what that is). You understand the benefits and risks of such a relationship and even plan what course of action to take in the event that you get caught. And he said all this in such a calm and normal manner. He even added the success of many marriages nowadays are sheer luck! What scares me is that this is the mentality of many people I have come across and it is acceptable. Nothing is being done, or rather, what can be done? I would understand why extra marital affairs come about, especially from the perspective of the woman, but is it the right solution?
We ended the conversation without any real consensus, but it certainly is food for thought for me and a lot of other married and yet to be married people.

Still waiting for the Constitution!

So Tari being Tari, when I stumble upon interesting information I have to share it. For the last couple of weeks I have been blessed to have a certain powerful sister in my life and she has just simplified an aspect I always dread to talk about or even hear about it, but I guess eventually I will have to tackle it and as I go ahead with my discussion you will understand why the issue of the constitution has become quite important to me!
A lot of us have been very ignorant about a lot of things regarding our country and the way it is run and particularly what our roles as citizens are. I happened to have stumbled across a conference for Women in Politics and was amazed at how MDC and ZANU PF officials could sit next to each other, share jokes and even dance to Dudu Manhenga’s live performance! And yet out there we are still fighting amongst each other about which party you belong to! But that is beside the point right now! Even the points raised in that conference just made me keep asking, if all this is happening behind closed doors, why is there no progress? Is there progress? What is progress in the Zimbabwean context? An issue that got my attention was a statute of the Global Political Agreement (Article VI to be precise, and I bet none of you have even touched that document- don’t worry I just got it yesterday as well!)
“Acknowledging that it is the fundamental right and duty of the Zimbabwean people to make a constitution by themselves for themselves. Aware that the process of making this constitution must be owned and driven by the people and must be inclusive and democratic”
Don’t you just love these terms! So there you have it, this thing is supposed to be for us by us and it only made sense that I have to be involved in the process. But how? So when I realized that the new constitution does not cater for the welfare of the artists; now that got my attention. Because I wish to make money from my art and live off it in the long run, so that is definitely an issue of concern for me. The voice of the artist is louder than the average person, we do contribute (no facts though) to the GDP of this country, and we are the best people to bring awareness about this constitution, so how are we not included (or rather why are we grouped in the media section like our needs are uniform).So Cde Paul Mangwana (I hope I addressed him appropriately) tells us at a 2 day conference run by the Culture Fund (to address this issue of the artists’ voices in the constitution) that the authorities should not be worrying about us but we should make a stand to exercise our rights and be heard. Instead we should be bugging them because it is our “fundamental right”. It’s funny how Zimbabweans do not know their rights at all and that is why it is easy for us to get manipulated by the legal system and those in authority, because we simply don’t know our rights. So this brings me to another point. If we do not even regard the constitution at the moment, what guarantee do we have that putting a new one in place will make sure that people will adhere to it? Will this not make people avoid taking part because they will know that the authorities can easily manipulate the legal system to suit them so giving time to constitutional reform will be a complete waste of time? Having a constitution is no guarantee that we can enjoy the things stated in that constitution. Regardless of these factors, I will still be a part of the constitutional reform because this is a document that will determine my future. Most importantly, as an artist, I am not represented. My job as an artist is to educate, inform, capacitate, mobilize, engage and critically advocate. How then can I take up this role if my welfare is not catered for in the new constitution? There is also the general mentality that once an artist takes part in a political process, they suddenly lose a sect of their fans. This is not political! This is my right as a Zimbabwean citizen to participate in the constitution making process. Who knows when things are right one day I could probably look back and say hey, I was a part of that. For interest’s sake, artists are currently engaging the authorities responsible for constitutional reform to be included in the new constitution. Thumbs up to this initiative! If there is a way that Zimbabwean artists are going to be seen as more than merely entertainers, then I am definitely in!!