I am in love

I can hear her tossing and turning after intervals and I wonder what she is dreaming about. I get taken away mentally and find myself in a trance as I am captivated by every step she takes, every move she makes and every word she speaks. And the trance is always interrupted by those words, in an undefined accent, "mummy stop looking at me like that" , and she goes on so innocently not realising how much she is central to my life and what strengths I would take to ensure she has the best, dreams the best and achieves the best.
Anesu was born prematurely at 27 weeks and I remember my gynae coming to the hospital bed and in a low voice he uttered, "I'm sorry, there is no hope for survival, its just a matter of time." Before he could even explain, tears rolled down my cheeks and that was the longest night I have ever had with the pains of childbirth being the least of my concerns. So the next morning, I went to see her, and maybe share what would be the last moments, and as I entered the nursery the paediatrician laughs at me and says she is fine, on life support as her lungs had not developed, but she will pull through. And she took it so casually that I felt stupid. My biggest lesson was that no matter how much we think we know, no matter how much we plan, God is the ultimate event planner! The next three months were the most interesting, roller coaster, exciting, tearful and loneliest months I have ever had. She moved from the nursery into ICU back to the nursery, then again to ICU, until it became just a change of venue for God to manifest his glory. I will never forget one of the many experiences I had one day when I was feeding her in the incubator ( she started drinking as little as 1ml per feed through tubes) and she suddenly stopped breathing what they call apnoea attacks, where because her lungs were not mature, and was used to me breathing for her, she would forget to breathe for herself. Can you imagine what went through my mind. I froze and the breathing notification suddenly started beeping loud and continuously. What happened thereafter was like a scene from E.R. I was pulled away in a hurry nurses ran in all directions, one calling a doctor the other opening the incubator while the other struggled to put some gloves on. She then took Anesu by the leg and hit her, she hit her again and again to sort of jump start her into breathing, by now I was hysterical. I was moved further away from the scene and was left to imagine what the outcome was going to be. Love is a beautiful thing.

At that moment I remember asking myself why I cannot breath for her. I prayed to God and asked that he take that pain she is going through and put it on me. Well He didn't, but he definitely saved Anesu and showed me how to love.
There is something divine, spiritual and even for us dreamers,magical, about the bond between mother and child, even without all the drama. When she is there, nothing else seems to matter. I have seen beauty in God's works and I see it everyday...and that beauty has just walked in and said "is it time for school, why do you keep looking at me answer me mhen!